Hesitation

I haven't posted anything in a while.

I have still been writing the entire time.

I am Hesitant.  Hesitant with a capital H.  Why a capital?  Because hesitation has taken over my mind and body more than I would like to admit.  I have several posts that I have written and have never shared.  I haven't even let my husband read them.

I have been told time and time again that if I hold onto what I write and I don't publish it, then I am keeping my burdens on my shoulders.  Publishing my posts was to be my way of letting go.

I haven't been able to let go.

I can't explain it.

Hell, I don't even think I understand...which is exactly why I can't put it into words.

Every week, I go back and reread what I wrote. I edit it.  I delete it. I rewrite it.  I have been known to hover over the publish button a few times and then quickly move the cursor away.

What am I afraid of?  Am I afraid that people will judge me?  Am I afraid that publishing won't help at all?  Am I afraid of letting my insecurities go?  I wish I could tell you. I wish I could tell you why I hesitate. I wish I could tell myself.

I have a library of posts that have not been published.  I'm not sure if I ever will.  If I actually publish this one, it is by some random act of bravery.   I'm not even sure if bravery is the word.  Perhaps more of normalcy.

Although, I have never been the type to be described as normal.