I Should Be Dead
Read with caution: What you are about to read is real, raw, and me. I'm not seeking sympathy. I'm not even seeking your opinion on this. I'm seeking to spread awareness and to help others that need help or those that want to help those who don't know they need it.
I have been writing this post for months. I began this before I even made my blog public, and decided that I would never post this. Well here we are. I made a plan, and I didn't follow through. And that, my friends, is where we start.
We all make plans with our lives: what we want to do when we get older, what kind of person we want to marry, how many children we are going to have, and even where we will buy a house. People even make Pinterest boards to help them plan. Most of us make plans on how our lives will continue. Most people look forward to the future, but some don't.
This is where I always felt that I differed. It was so hard for me to look into the future and to see anything for myself. As a 16 year old and even as an 18 year old - perhaps especially at 18 - I couldn't see myself in college, getting married, working a full time job, and having a life. At this point, my mind was so clouded with depression, that I didn't see a future for myself.
I was dealing with depression for a long time, but I didn't speak out. I didn't want anyone to know that I hated myself. I didn't want anyone to know that I hated my life. I didn't want anyone to know that I was planning on ending my life. So I kept it all under wraps. I posted a smile on face in public, and dropped it in the safety of my four walls.
Even though it was hard for me, I still applied for a college and set everything up to make it seem like I was going to attend at the end of summer. However, that was never my plan. I had been consistently saving all of my pain medication from my doctor for a while (I have a history of migraines and back problems, so acquiring this wasn't hard for me). As silly as this sounds, I didn't want to make a mess of myself.
I couldn't tell you what pushed me to start swallowing the pills. I'm not even sure if there was a certain event. I just remember locking my bedroom door, opening my dresser drawer, and pulling out the stash that I have been hiding for months. This was the real plan. I didn't plan on actually going to college. I didn't plan on anything but the end.
There I was. Sitting on my bed with a little bag of assorted pain medication. I wasn't sure how much it would take, so I intended on taking all of them. I had just swallowed 5 pills and was on my way to 5 more when I realized that I forgot to turn off my phone. That was when I got the text message that saved me. I don't know why I did it, but I paused before my second set to read the text. It was simple. It was not expected. I wasn't in the middle of any conversation, nor did I say anything to spark this text. I was sitting with a handful of pills in one hand and my phone in the other. "13 days till I'm your roommate! I can't wait. I love you so much." I don't know why I did this, but I dumped what was in my hand back into the bag. I shoved it in my pocket. I unlocked my bedroom door and headed straight to the bathroom. I forced the pills I did swallow out and flushed the rest with them.
It took one text. It took one person.
I can't explain why it saved my life, but it did.
I still have low days. I still have moments where I hurt, but I have a group of friends that love me and support me. I have a support system that I turn to when I'm not strong enough. Life is hard, and no one is alone in that.
Keep these numbers on you. There may come a day where you need them for a friend or for yourself.
Life-threatening emergencies (USA): 911
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255
Crisis Text Line: 741-741
I have been writing this post for months. I began this before I even made my blog public, and decided that I would never post this. Well here we are. I made a plan, and I didn't follow through. And that, my friends, is where we start.
We all make plans with our lives: what we want to do when we get older, what kind of person we want to marry, how many children we are going to have, and even where we will buy a house. People even make Pinterest boards to help them plan. Most of us make plans on how our lives will continue. Most people look forward to the future, but some don't.
This is where I always felt that I differed. It was so hard for me to look into the future and to see anything for myself. As a 16 year old and even as an 18 year old - perhaps especially at 18 - I couldn't see myself in college, getting married, working a full time job, and having a life. At this point, my mind was so clouded with depression, that I didn't see a future for myself.
I was dealing with depression for a long time, but I didn't speak out. I didn't want anyone to know that I hated myself. I didn't want anyone to know that I hated my life. I didn't want anyone to know that I was planning on ending my life. So I kept it all under wraps. I posted a smile on face in public, and dropped it in the safety of my four walls.
Even though it was hard for me, I still applied for a college and set everything up to make it seem like I was going to attend at the end of summer. However, that was never my plan. I had been consistently saving all of my pain medication from my doctor for a while (I have a history of migraines and back problems, so acquiring this wasn't hard for me). As silly as this sounds, I didn't want to make a mess of myself.
I couldn't tell you what pushed me to start swallowing the pills. I'm not even sure if there was a certain event. I just remember locking my bedroom door, opening my dresser drawer, and pulling out the stash that I have been hiding for months. This was the real plan. I didn't plan on actually going to college. I didn't plan on anything but the end.
There I was. Sitting on my bed with a little bag of assorted pain medication. I wasn't sure how much it would take, so I intended on taking all of them. I had just swallowed 5 pills and was on my way to 5 more when I realized that I forgot to turn off my phone. That was when I got the text message that saved me. I don't know why I did it, but I paused before my second set to read the text. It was simple. It was not expected. I wasn't in the middle of any conversation, nor did I say anything to spark this text. I was sitting with a handful of pills in one hand and my phone in the other. "13 days till I'm your roommate! I can't wait. I love you so much." I don't know why I did this, but I dumped what was in my hand back into the bag. I shoved it in my pocket. I unlocked my bedroom door and headed straight to the bathroom. I forced the pills I did swallow out and flushed the rest with them.
It took one text. It took one person.
I can't explain why it saved my life, but it did.
I still have low days. I still have moments where I hurt, but I have a group of friends that love me and support me. I have a support system that I turn to when I'm not strong enough. Life is hard, and no one is alone in that.
Keep these numbers on you. There may come a day where you need them for a friend or for yourself.
Life-threatening emergencies (USA): 911
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255
Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Thanks, Gypsy, for your transparency and willingness to be vulnerable. Your courage in moving forward and in sharing your powerful story is not lost of those of us who read it...and need it. - Mike Carman
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading! This was definitely the hardest post to publish, but I felt that it was the right time to post it.
DeleteThank you. You are my simple text.
ReplyDelete