Yes, Everyone is Hanging Out Without Me

After all this time, I put myself in this place.  I was the one excluding myself.  "I'm busy" I would say.  "Sorry, I have plans."  "I'm not feeling my best."  I was busy.  I was busy with my anxieties, and that is exactly what made me not feel well.  It's not that friends and coworkers didn't invite me to outings.  They definitely did, and I definitely declined - time and time again.  Thanks to the internet I get to sit at home, look at social media, and see all of the fun that I could have been included in have I not let my anxiety get the best of me. I have no question if everyone is hanging out without me.  I know they are - thank you to Snapchat and the other social media networks that allow me spy on my friends.

It's not that I want to be alone all the time.  I would love to go to happy hour, go shopping, or have a kick back at someones house.  What holds me back is a whirlwind of emotions and an always thinking mind.  "I'll be too much of an inconvenience."  "What if the social experience triggers an anxiety attack"  "I know that I'll somehow embarrass myself."  This is not how I want to treat social gatherings.  I don't want my mind to hold me back.  I do try.  I try to commit to hang out.  I'll make plans.  I'll get excited.  I'll get anxious.  I'll get worried.  I'll suddenly become a mess the day before the penciled in plans that I had made.  Thank God it was in pencil.  "I'm so sorry, but something came up.  I won't be able to make it."  I would feel awful, but not as awful as I was expecting myself to feel had I followed through with my plans.
"Oh no!" they would say.  "Are you okay? What came up?"
Hmm, not sure what it was this time.  Was it...

(A) My heart rate
(B) My body temperature
(C) My stomach cramps
(D) All of the above and then some

This is something that I struggle with daily.  I struggle with making the choice to go anywhere.  I struggle with actually following through with the plans that I have made.  I struggle with fact that I knowingly turned down what had the opportunity to be a good experience.  I struggle with the fact that my "no" has turned into a perpetual "no" - in fact, most people have altogether stopped inviting me.  It's simply because I struggle.

I started writing this saying that I put myself in this place.  I put myself in a lonely place.  I put myself alone.  I excluded myself all by myself.  I want to let you, and remind future me that might be reading this in search for help, that I did not do this on my own.  You did not do this on your own.  You cannot blame yourself.  Gypsy, stop blaming yourself and start loving yourself right now.  Anxiety has been this bad friend that I have had for a very long time.  Anxiety is the one that started this.  Anxiety is my bad influence - constantly convincing me that it's better that I don't go out and enjoy the company of another person or experience something new.  Anxiety has taught me how to segregate myself.  I can't say that I can stop.  I can't say that this will get better or worse.  I'm definitely not saying to try to convince me to go out.  I'm not saying that you need to feel obligated to invite me.  Most days I'll say, "no." I'm asking you to understand that when I say no, I wish I could say yes.

-Answering the question that I use to ask myself all the time.