Anxiously Weighting

Let's talk. 

For some people, weight has not been an issue.  

For some people, mental health has not been an issue.

For some people, it might just seem like they don't have an issue. 

Somewhere in the mix is where I land.

I have never been the acceptable weight by the standards that we have been taught.  I don't mean just the health teachings at school.  I am also including the lessons that the media has given us over time.  They have given us these ideas of what it should look like to be beautiful, happy, and healthy.  These are ideals that I realized at a young age were not going to be reachable for me.  It was around this realization that I can remember my first big moment of anxiety.  Having still being a young child, I was scared to tell anyone how I was feeling.  I don't remember the situation 100% since I tried to forget most of those high anxiety times from childhood.  I only vaguely remember shopping for clothes in a section that was not for my "age group."

I do, however, remember the feelings clearly. 

Worry: I was worried that no one would accept me.

Devastation: I was devastated that my body was not what I thought it should be - or rather what the media thought it should be. 

Panic: I panicked at the thought of always surpassing people in weight when it "shouldn't be the case."

For a long time, I suppressed these feelings.  Not knowing what it was, I was too scared of what people would say.  I remember nights when I was a teenager, and I was look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I remember claiming to be too sick to go to school or to go to work.  I was sick.  I was sick of being ashamed of my body.  I was sick of the constant worry of being accepted.  I was so often seeking the approval of others around me and was weighed down with the constant worry that I wouldn't get it.  No matter how hard I tried to telling myself that I am fine the way I am, my mind wouldn't believe it.  My mind wouldn't allow it.  Worry, devastation, and panic.

If my mind is rejecting this thought of self acceptance, what are other people thinking. I was in a constant battle in my mind.  I knew what I should feel, but I couldn't stop my mind from going where it so often went.  

Worry, devastation, and panic. 

If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her that it is okay.  I would even hold her if I knew it wouldn't cause a paradox (joke for any geeks out there).  

A lot of people will tell you that life is too short for this or that.  

In all reality, life is the longest thing that you do.  Shouldn't you invest time in the things that might seem trivial to improve your mental and physical health?

I came to this realization a few years ago and started to put in the work.  I learned to start loving myself.  I learned to accept myself and to stop seeking approval.  That does not mean I do not have my bad days.  There are days that I start to dwindle down into a corner of what I have been trying to abandon.

Worry, Devastation, and Panic. 

Then I have the days that I feel strong. I'm still getting used to feeling that way.  I'm not sure if I will ever get to the finish line and stay.  I might back track just to remember where I came from.  Weight loss and mental have been the most satisfying journey.  I can honestly say that two have gone hand in hand for me.  My mind has found self love and that has been motivation to be physically healthy by MY standards.  Seeing myself for who I truly am and not defining myself by my weight or by my relationship with food has been the biggest change in my life.  This was not me a few years ago.

I still have anxiety.  I still want pizza after a long day. I still want approval from time to time. I still fall down.  

But I always get back up.