But I've Never Seen You Have an Anxiety Attack

"Your anxiety must not be that bad.  I see you go out all the time."
"You must have everything really under control.  I've never seen you have an anxiety attack."

These are words I hear way too often.
These are assumptions that others seem to come to too quickly.

Like most people, I was ashamed of my anxiety and depression.  I always thought if people found out, they would treat me like I was doomed with the plague.  Until recently, I kept my anxiety under wraps.  No one used to talk about mental health.  No one would tell you that it's okay to feel the way you feel.  No one would tell others that anxiety is a real issue that needs to be treated with gentle hearts and hands.  So in turn, it was my goal for no one to know about my mental health.  As far as anyone was concerned, I was perfectly normal.

Fast forward: Social media is full of ways of how to cope with anxiety, to love people with anxiety, and to be okay with your own mental health.  Thanks to the people who started blogs and videos on mental health, I know now that I am not alone in this struggle.

However, there are still people out there that have yet to comprehend what anxiety is and what it looks like.

I'm sorry that I have never broken down in the middle of class or work.
I'm sorry that I have never had breathing issues in front of large groups of people.
I'm sorry that I don't carry a bottle of pills with me to sooth my mind whenever my anxiety "kicks in." It's always there by the way.

I'm sorry.  I didn't know that anxiety had one face.

Here's the thing - anxiety has different shapes and sizes.  My anxiety will not be the same as your friend you know. Or sometimes it will.  Just because I have never had a full blown anxiety attack in front of you, does not mean I am faking it.  It does not mean that I have my mind under control.  It does not mean that I have a "low-form" of anxiety.  It means that anxiety reacts differently with each individual.  I might be 100% fine in a social gathering, but as soon as I get home I am exhausted.  Interacting with more than 2 people at a time drains me.  If I go too many days of socializing without hibernating, then yes - you might be lucky enough to witness how my anxiety is.  The holidays are usually rough for me.  A full weekend of family gathering followed by a full week of work and repeating itself one more time was a bit much for me.  I often had times that I would get home and couldn't help myself but to cry because I felt so overwhelmed.  Other times, I would knock out as soon as I got home because my mind was too exhausted.  There have even been times that I have gotten physically ill because I tried to hold all of my anxieties - all of my overwhelming thoughts - inside of my heart and my mind.  [Shout out to my husband and my cat for knowing how to love me during the valleys.]

People cannot fit in anxiety like it is a box.  Anxiety does not hold a certain shape for all people.  Rather, it is anxiety that tries to fit into people.  People are fragile.  People cannot always contain the overwhelming amount of feelings and fears that anxieties brings.  And since people are different, so is anxiety.